Harold called a plumber because the kitchen tap dripped once every eleven seconds.
His wife, Susan, said she could live with it.
Harold said that was how leaks gained confidence.
The plumber, Leah, arrived and examined the tap.
“How long has it been dripping?” she asked.
“Three days.”
“Hot or cold?”
“Cold.”
“Any change in pressure?”
Harold hesitated. “Are these questions included in the call-out fee?”
“Yes.”
“How many?”
“As many as necessary.”
Harold relaxed and began asking his own.
“What causes washers to fail? Why are pipes measured strangely? Is plumber’s tape actually tape? Why does the boiler click at night? Can a radiator remember being cold?”
Leah replaced a worn washer in five minutes.
The drip stopped.
Harold followed her to the door.
“Before you go, what is the ideal water pressure? Should copper pipes be polished? Why does the upstairs tap cough? Could the garden hose affect the dishwasher?”
Susan appeared. “Let the woman leave.”
Leah handed Harold the invoice.
He stared at the total.
“This is more than the washer.”
“The washer is two pounds.”
“What is the rest?”
“Labour and call-out.”
Harold pointed to a line reading CONSULTATION — 20 MINUTES.
“You said questions were included.”
“They were. Answers took twenty minutes.”
Harold refused to pay for conversation.
Leah offered to remove the answers from the bill.
“How?”
“I can put the old washer back and forget we discussed pressure.”
Susan paid.
That evening, the tap was silent. Harold lay in bed listening.
At midnight, he woke Susan.
“Do you hear that?”
“Hear what?”
“Nothing. It is suspicious.”
The next morning, the upstairs tap coughed. Harold phoned Leah.
She answered, “Before you ask, telephone questions are billed in five-minute blocks.”
Harold hung up.
He searched online instead. Within an hour, he had learned about air locks, valves, flow rates, pipe hammer, mineral deposits, and twelve disasters that had never happened in their house.
He bought a pressure gauge.
When he attached it to the garden tap, water sprayed through the kitchen window.
Susan called Leah.
Leah returned, closed the valve Harold had opened, dried the floor, and repaired the hose connection.
Harold asked no questions.
Leah looked concerned. “Are you feeling well?”
“I am saving money.”
She gave Susan a new invoice.
Harold read it. One line said SILENCE DISCOUNT: MINUS £5.
He brightened.
Then he saw another line: CUSTOMER-CREATED WATER FEATURE: PLUS £40.
Harold decided to become more practical.
For a week, he wrote every plumbing question in a notebook instead of asking.
On Friday, he gave the notebook to Leah.
“What is this?”
“One consultation. Please answer in writing.”
She returned it the next day. On every page she had written the same reply:
DO NOT TOUCH IT.
Harold said this was not technical advice.
Susan framed the first page and hung it above the toolbox.
Months later, the kitchen tap began dripping again.
Harold counted eleven seconds between drops.
He reached for the phone, then saw the framed advice.
He placed a cup beneath the tap and went to bed.
In the morning, Susan found the cup full.
“You ignored a leak?”
“No,” Harold said proudly. “I followed professional instructions.”
The tap had finally stopped asking questions.
So had he.
The plumber considered both repairs successful.