The Dog’s Diary
8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am -— Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm — Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm — Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm -— Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm – Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm — Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm — Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm — Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
The Cat’s Diary
Day 983 of My Captivity
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt todisgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now…
This Stranger Takes Off All Her Clothes And Told Him To Do Anything He Wants To. What He Did Next Is Perfect.
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said,
“Where did you get such a great bike?”
The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said,
“Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you anyway.”
Lawyer Won’t Leave This Woman Alone On Her Flight. What She Does Next ls Genius.
A woman and a lawyer were seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asked if she would like to play a fun game.
The woman, tired, just wanted to take a nap, politely declined and rolled over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explained, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.”
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”
This catches the woman’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The woman doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. “Okay,” says the lawyer, “your turn”.
She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modern and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e- mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the woman, and hands her $500.00.
The woman says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the woman and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?”
Without a word, the woman reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.