At a village auction, Mrs. Parker raised her hand to wave at her sister. The auctioneer took it as a bid on an enormous antique wardrobe. She tried to correct him, but another bidder raised the price before she could speak.
Her sister waved back. The auctioneer announced another bid from Mrs. Parker. The room laughed. Mrs. Parker sat on her hands. The auctioneer asked whether she was still in. She shook her head. A man at the back won the wardrobe, then realized his car was too small to carry it.
Mrs. Parker offered to help arrange a van. Her husband, who’d spent twenty years insisting their house had enough furniture, watched with suspicion. He said she had wanted the wardrobe all along. She said she’d wanted her sister’s attention, which was harder to get than a wardrobe.
The buyer was a young man named Colin. He had bought it for his new flat without measuring the doorway. His landlord answered the phone and said the stairwell was narrow. Colin wondered if he could return the wardrobe. The auctioneer said all sales were final.
Mrs. Parker’s sister, Joan, examined the piece. It had been assembled with wooden pegs and could be taken apart. Their father had owned one like it and made them hold the pieces every time the family moved. Joan described how to remove the top without breaking the carved trim. Colin asked whether she would supervise. She agreed if someone bought her tea.
They loaded the parts into a van. At Colin’s flat the wardrobe fitted up the stairs in sections, but the ceiling was too low to stand it upright. Mrs. Parker’s husband stood with a tape measure and announced that he had predicted this. Mrs. Parker asked why, if he predicted it, he’d agreed to drive the van.
The auctioneer had spent the afternoon explaining to confused bidders that a wave counted only when he recognized the bidder. He had not recognized Mrs. Parker, but he had recognized Joan’s exuberant reply. Once the sisters left, he put a note on his lectern: ‘Ask before accepting greetings.’ It did not prevent the next misunderstanding, but it made the audience laugh.
During the van journey Colin asked whether the sisters always solved problems together. Mrs. Parker said Joan usually caused them by waving at the wrong moment. Joan said Mrs. Parker had been the one who waved at the auctioneer. The driver laughed and took a wrong turn. They arrived at Colin’s flat after circling the block twice. Colin made a note to measure the next piece of furniture before bidding. Mrs. Parker suggested measuring the staircase too. Joan added, ‘And find out whether you actually want it.’
Joan suggested assembling it lying on its side and raising it in stages. They tried. It stopped two inches short. Colin was ready to put it in the hall. His landlord said the hall couldn’t be used for storage. Everyone looked at the wardrobe, the ceiling, and the doorway.
Mrs. Parker noticed the decorative feet were screwed on. Without them, the wardrobe stood perfectly. Colin gave the feet to Joan as a thank-you. She planned to make them into bookends, though Mrs. Parker suspected they’d remain in a drawer.
At the next auction Mrs. Parker took her seat at the very back. Joan sat beside her so no waving was needed. The auctioneer recognized them and announced a lot of two old bookends. Joan raised a hand immediately.
“Are you bidding or waving?” he asked.
“Neither,” said Mrs. Parker. “I’m holding her arm down until she checks her drawer.”