The Drunks Picked the Wrong Nuns to Mess With 
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin.
All of a sudden, a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside them.
“Hey! Show us y-er t*ts, ya bl0-0dy penguins!” shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary and says,
“I don’t think they know who we are. Show them your cross!”
Sister Mary rolls down the window and shouts,
“Piss off ya’ fookin’ little wankers, before I come over there and r*p y-er b@lls off!”
Sister Mary then rolls up her window, looks over at Mother Superior quite innocently and asks,
“Did that sound cross enough?”
Bob staggered into his house after a night of drinking.
He tip-toed up the stairs to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen, but tripped & fell on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket made the landing especially painful.
He stifled a yell, pulled down his p@nts & looked into the hall mirror to see that his b-utt cheeks were cut & bleeding.
Quietly he managed to find a box of Band-Aids and put one on each place he saw blood.
The next morning he awoke to see Kathleen staring down on him saying, “You were drunk last night, weren’t ya?!”
Bob blustered, “Now why would you think a thing like that?”
Kathleen answered, “Well, it could be the broken glass, it could be the trail of bl0-0d through the house or it could be your bloodshot eyes.”
“But mostly,” she continued,…
“It’s all those Band-Aids on the hall mirror.”